Blackberry Hell

It doesn’t pay to get out of bed, some mornings. I was trying to get out of the house and to the hospital early. Well, early-ish, if you get my drift. Laughing Baby was just finishing up her breakfast nosh and was falling back to sleep. I was snuggled up next to her, tapping my toes and checking my email on my brandy new technical device that rhymes with “Smackberry”, waiting for her fall completely asleep so I could sneak out of the room and get ready. Next thing you know, I drop the Smackberry on her head. Oh! Howls of agony! Oh! Great Gobs of Mommy Guilt! Upon further inspection, I think they were more howls of indignation that actual pain and suffering, but not matter-everyone in the house was now awake and I wasn’t going anywhere in a hurry.

Speaking of the Smackberry: this thing is causing entirely too much aggida (Agida? Adgida? Ajjida? Any Italians out there know how to spell the damn thing?) Anyway, after much intestinal distress, I’m starting to like the thing but it is a pain in the ass. I’ve dropped more times than I should admit to. I set the ringer on high and it wakes everybody up in the middle of the night. I set it on low and no one hears it, including me. Yesterday, I was called 12 TIMES and they were ready to send out the bloodhounds to find me when I woke up, checked the phone and said, “Holy Shit!” and wound up having to apologize to all the people who lives I disrupted. Sigh. I am not a techie. I’ll figure out that it does this or that and the family just roles their eyes at me, like, what took you so long? As in, “Hey, this text messaging is great! Do you guys know how to do this?” Sigh.

And it’s turning my coworkers into people I’d rather not spend to much time around. They’re all like, “How come my email doesn’t work?” and “We need a class for this. How can they give us a Smackberry and not give us a training class?” Excuse me, but the last time I got a cell phone, it didn’t come with a class, it came with a Spanish instructor. His name-Manuel.

Every meeting is a flurry of chirps and beeps and bells and rings as people scramble to figure out if they just got a phone call, an email or a message from God himself. I’ve heard that when they elect a new Pope, white smoke will come out of the goddamn thing.

And while I’m kvetching, my house is a disaster. There are ants on the kitchen counter because Love Monkey made some cinnamon toast for the baby and it rained sugar on the counter. “I don’t know,” LM shrugs, “they must be special ants, the kind that only eat sugar.” What? So there it is, an ant parade, in my kitchen. Hopefully, they’ll stay there, because the LM also doesn’t believe in using the high chair, but lets the baby graze throughout the house, like a little goat and so soon the “special” ants are likely to follow said “kid” and her trail of crumbs. Also, blocks are everywhere, Little Einstein CD packs are scattered around and many, many cups and glasses line the bookshelves and cabinets, high up out of baby reach. But don’t worry! Lives are being saved, (including those belonging to ants) and I’m hard at work, living out of my car and eating fast food. I had a professor in nursing school who said she threw a pile of dirt in the corner and when it started to sprout, she knew it was time to clean. Words to live by. Now excuse me, I’ve either got a cricket in my house or the phone is ringing.