Saturday, July 15, 2006

I'm fried



Well, I have to say that doing Grand Rounds might have been the easiest thing I've done all week. And that's saying a lot, cause I thought GR was frustrating as all get out, what with the blogger and the mixed up links and the staying up all night fretting about it.

My laptop's broke. I was out for two days straight, trying to get 7 organs from a poor teenager who crashed his car. The last 24 hours on the case the RN and I were working our butts off, trying to turn around a crashing donor. In the OR, everything that could go wrong, did go wrong and I've spent the past 2 days second guessing myself, my boss and my career. Maybe I should work as a recipient coordinator. Maybe I should go back to the PICU. I'm confused. Then, today, when I still haven't really gotten any sleep all week, I get called out at 8am. And I'm the backup person. I shouldn't get called out unless everyone else is on downtime or out on a case. This led to harsh words exchanged between the Love Monkey and I and us missing a jazz fest we had planned for several months ago. We're better now, but it's my own damn fault. I need a vacation.

I was back home at 8pm. I got to see my little baby-boo sleeping all curled up. She's what keeps me going. I wish I could be home 24/7 with her. Aaaarrggghhh. And the thing is, I like my job and I'm good at it. But maybe it's not what I need to be doing right now.

6 comments:

Robin said...

Sounds like quite the couple of days. Sleep.

Moreena said...

How difficult this must be, feeling the pull of motherhood and job and your own life. Especially when the job you're doing is one of those jobs that makes such a difference, and is also emotionally and physically draining. I've no words of advice, of course. Just a hello, and I hope you find some rest.

TC said...

The really annoying thing is that I work with a lot of people who never had kids or people whose kids are grown and they're like, "work 60 hours a week? 32 hours in a row? No problem!"

tobsih said...

I did (emphasis on past tense) what you did for 7 years and was VERY well regarded in the transplant community. Married with 2 boys. Word of advice: get a large jar. Fill it with marbles equal to the number of Saturdays in 18 years. Every Sunday, take a marble out...doesn't take long to realize how few Saturdays we have as parents to spend with our kids. I loved my job too, but once we were expected to start "interfacing" with potential donor families without fully disclosing who we were/worked for, I started looking around. After I reported a coordinator for lying to a family about brain death (already declared and consented...but started breathing after we got fluids and pressors going---don't ask) and nothing happened, I left. It's your decision, but after a while, you'll find you're just another number, and the families don't mean a damn thing.

Amanda M said...

Oh...hope things are going better. From tobsih's comment it sounds like a job with high burnout?....hope you find a sweet spot in the meaningful work/family/sleep/time for you balance :)

Anonymous said...

I hear you. I'm doing your job with two your kids also, no one around me has kids at home. Its hard, but like you, I couldn't do anything else. Keep your chin up.